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alzheimers
May 2008 
Love and Caring for an Elder Parent
Posted on Nov 24th, 2007
by 
skyojos
skyojos
IMG 9528
This is my 85 year old mother Gloria and my 19 year old daughter Kelsey on Thanksgiving. It was a relitively good day for my mom who is now experiencing significant episodes of memory loss, confusion, weakness, impariment of mental and physical performance, anxiety , fear, psychic dependence and mood changes. I am posting this story because this is the most amazing community I am a part of. Conscious intention and LOVE are our most powerful gifts as humans and there is a lot of this flowing here in Zaadzland. There are also many healers and medical intuitives here and a lot of medical knowlegde.
It is hard to decipher what exactly is going on. A little more than a week ago there was only some seemingly mild memory loss. Then she started having severe back pain and was not able to sleep. Doctors gave her a shot for pain but the pain got worse the next day and she was admitted to the hospital. In the hospital she was given morphine, which none of us were aware of until days after her release. She was also given hydrocodone. She was in the hospital for 4 days. During that time she was mostly incoherent and alseep. Understandable with the drugs. She perked up and was more alert and her normal feisty self in the last day and a half. It is likely this followed decreased dosage of medication. When she arrived home she again felt weak and went to bed. When I first saw her the next day she was slightly dis-oriented, weak, afraid, emotionally frail, confused, and could not remember what had happened over the past days or even what had happened 5 minutes ago. Long term memory seems intact. She seemed to improve over the next few days including Thanksiving then declined the following day - Friday. During this time the back/leg pain that was the cause for admission was no longer present. This pain was attributed to inflamation on the spine due to degenerative disc disease. This morning early she awoke with the pain again. I had her take one of the hydrocodone pills that she came home from the hospital with. 30 minutes later the pain was diminshed but along with this came all the symptoms mentioned earlier and that are in fact listed as adverse reactions of hydrocodone on the central nervious system. This evening she seem to have more mental clarity and is better overall and the pain has not returned yet approximately 11 hours after 1 hydrocodone.
Even without the pain and the medication there have been significant times during the week when it was apparent she can not be left alone for long. With the pain and medication she has to have someone around. There are a lot of ways in which all of this can be approached and I will be looking into any viable possibilities. I am holding open the possibility that it is primarily a side effect of the medications she has been given over the last week that have given rise to all of these symptoms. Perhaps we can find and alleviate the source of the backpain and or different therapies can be used that will also alleviate or elminate all of the central nervous system symptoms that would allow her to continue to function normally. And even if there are improvements it still may be time to move toward a different living situation and more readily available care.
I would love to hear from anyone who feels they have something to offer or share whether specific to this situation or in general empathy and sharing with regard to the loving care or our elders.
Namaste and love
Don
Access: PublicTagged with: elder care, elder, elders, parents, love, metta, intention, consciousness, compassion, memory, memory loss, dimentia, alzheimer's, alzheimer's disease, pain, spinal arthritis, degenerative disc disease, morphine, vicondin, hydrocodone, hospice
Don, you have my love and best thoughts. You might want to read a couple of my blog entries about my aunt who is 86. I just returned from a visit to her this afternoon at the skilled nursing facility where she was admitted following hospitalization from an episode of erratic blood pressure, congestive heart failure and tests showing she has aortic stenosis, untreatable at her age and in her physical condition. It is difficult to see all the things we see in our elders and not know quite what to do. My aunt is having continuing loss of memory, both long term and short term and seems slowly to be disconnecting from life. I don't know if she will be able to return to her assisted living home where she has been nearly 5 years after a break high up her right femur. It is a tough time.
One thing you might want to consider, if at all possible, is finding a doctor who specializes in gerentology. Our elders metabolize medications in ways not well understood by many who are not experienced in treating older people. If that is not an option for whatever reason, I do hope your mother has a doctor who knows her well. It will help.
I will keep all of you in loving light. You will not be alone.
Thanks for your loving reply Spirit Eagle. My mom's doctor retired a few years back and the younger ones in the practice in her small town are too young, impatient and not heart-centered and have never earned her trust. Plus she is a bit independent and feisty. I may want to go to the the university medical community 60 miles away and look for a gerontologist. Also, there are no care facilities nearby and the closest has a waiting list a few years long. I live in another state 5 hours away. She has very few resources. Lots to think about.
In terms of love and service this has brought me completely face to face with my own needs and desires and my love and care for her well being. I have spent a large part of my life devoted to other's needs and not taking care of my own. Now that I am just getting started in following my heart into a new career and finding my own community I am faced with significant care issues that present some potentially great personal challenges. I feel the surrendering to love and the openess to unknown possibilities hidden in new cirucmstances and I feel the aching of attachement to where I want to go and how I imagined getting there. Interesting mirror of some other areas of personal life and surrendering to the flow. I make these shifts relatively easily and get to thinking I am completely present here now then Whap! more to let go of and just be. I had some heart wrenching moments then snapped into a beautiful peaceful loving contentment in working with her today and the nourishment to her soul was very tangible. It is also heart wenching to watch her moments of lucidity when she completely understands what is happening to her and how sad it is for her to know she is losing memory, clarity and control and be aware that she is confused. She is also having to surrender to the flow and the love and understanding between us is deeply deeply moving.
Thanks again. I know I am not alone and it is a blessing to feel all love and light.
Don,
It has been a few years back, but I once ran a pain clinic. I'm an RN. It sounds as if she has very little “mental reserve” and that narcotics have a long effect and one that isn't good for her. Be aware that narcotics hang out in the adipose tissues (fat) and take weeks to get out of her system especially when administered in the IV. There are other pain meds that don't do these things, but they aren't always as effective for controlling pain. You've already figured out some of the issues that will need to be addressed. I will send you strength in this phase of the journey. I wouldn't give her any more narcotics (hydrocodone/morphine) unless there are absolutely no other options. Advil is a good choice that doesn't usually add to the confusion. If her liver and kidney functions are normal she could take 3 of them. Toradol (prescription med) is a pain med used in a variety of settings for acute bouts of pain. It is non narcotic. I'm not sure if they are using it long term. I've been out of the pain mgmt business for a while.
It needs to be determined whether she is perfusing her brain properly. She could have a blockage in the vessels in her neck feeding her brain. She needs to be evaluated by several specialists. If her back symptoms are localized, treating the specific location with an epidural steroid injection can be very beneficial.
I encourage you to find someone who will be a manager and advisor of care be it a gerontolgist, neurologist, internal medicine doctor etc. Ask around of your friends and find someone who can captain the ship. A pain management dr, usually an anesthesiologist, can manage the specific pain issues related to her spine.
I'm not sure where you live, but it may be time to consider talking to her frankly during a period of lucidity and asking her what she wants done. This may not work, but at least she will have been given an opportunity to put her two cents in there.
I know what it is like to put the needs of others above my own needs. You have to take care of yourself first before you will be able to deal with this. I so totally resist this myself. It bites me in the butt on occasion.
An extended care facility or assisted living facility, skilled nursing facility may be the best decision for both of you. If she slides all the way into the abyss and the mommy you knew is no longer there, it is horrible for her and for those left behind, but she will have her care needs med in a facility like that. Many transition from assisted living all the way to those who have no idea they are even in this world. I'm sure I'm not telling you something you don't know about them. I will send light and love your way. She treasures you I am sure.
I hope this helps you!
Mistress Heather
Dear Dear Sky,
Caring for an elderly parent is a huge job. What kept me going was the thought, “how would I want to be treated if I were in this position?” I would want to be loved, cared for, smiled at, and treated with dignity.
I told my chidlren long time ago that I would check myself into a nursing home when I could no longer care for myself. There would be no guilt on their part of “putting Mom into a Home”. If I was not lucid, they could decide for me. I trusted them.
And I told them if I was unfortunate enough to get Alzheimers, to play along with me, and not argue with me about what year it was or who they were. That was because I saw a wonderful PBS documentary, done by a woman whose mother was exhibiting Alzheimers. It showed them, at first , arguing about stuff, the calendars the daughter made to keep her mother straight. It was all useless and frustrating and it confused and frightened both mother and daughter. and hurt their relationship The most beautiful part was at the end, the mother in the nursing home, the daughter comes to visit, they are sitting outside on a bench, and the daughter asks,
“Do you know who I am?” The mother laughs and says, “Sure, you're my best freind Milly from high school”. The daughter asks, “What year is it?” the mom answers, “it's 1942”.
The daughter goes along with it as the mother reminisces and laughs about their adventures.
I told my kids to play along with me if I am in another decade. To not argue, but rather to join me in that place. Little did I know that I would experience 2 brain attacks 7 years ago that left me with short term memory loss for many years. I could only deal in the present moment and even that was difficult. I wrote about it in a blog piece - saying do not ask me to go where I cannot go. Rather - join me here now.
My advice is just to love her no matter what she does or says. My sisters used to argue with my Dad. If he said something weird, well I would just smile and say “Gee, I never heard that before”
Many people “put” their parent in a home and feel guilt, until they see them there having a good time with lots of new friends instead of being isolated. A recent TV news bit showed Sandra Day O'Connor's(?) I think) husband (Alzheimers) in a care place WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND. She accepted that he was happy there and was making a new life as he went along, as best as he could –with the little he had left in both time and memory.
Good luck, and god bless you and all caregivers.
peace and love,
mimi
PS – my Dad, a tough old Ukrainian surprised me one visit when he told me that a Therapeutic Touch nurse gave him a treatment and he was going to get more because it helped him. More than anything people need touch. When my mother was dying, I asked her what I could do right that moment that would help her. She said she wanted to be held, so i climbed in bed with her and snuggled her gently.
Thankyou Mistress Heather and Mimi! Thankyou both so very much for your loving kindness and for sharing your knowledge and stories. Yesterday, I had a long talk with the hospital nurses about medications and what I have witnessed of my mother's mental and physical abilites before and after the hospital icidents where narcotics were used for pain mediation. They spoke with the doctor and they have pulled her off all these drugs for now to explore what she really needs to manage pain. I saw improvements late in the day today but there are still lots of indications she may not return to independent life. One day at a time now for a while watching and waiting and caring, trying to assess what the next steps are. She is still weak and being treated for pneumonia. Hard to know where it will lead. I am spending a lot of time with her and she loves that. I am looking at a variety of assisted living situations and services to educate my self and be ready for the choices to be made.
Thanks again for your love and kindness,.
Namaste,
Don
Don, there's a pod on Zaadz for those who are atively caring for their elders. You have already got wonderful responses; but in case you are drawn to it: http://pods.zaadz.com/lover
Don,
Your words remind me of my mother's condition about 18 months ago following knee replacement surgery. She was 90 years old at the time. The surgeon wanted to use a spinal block because he was concerned about the longterm effects of the anisthesia on her cognative functions. He was not able to due to her arthritic spine. As a result she was very disoriented after surgery and for some time after while in rehab learning to use her new knee. The symptoms were much as you describe.When she came home, she had help with bathing and dressing and ADLs. She was still on Vicodan. She fell one day but there didn't seem to be any injury. Later she developed serious back pain and the Doc put her on Vicodan again and the confusion and memory loss dramatically increased again. She went back to the orthopedic surgeon who did an MRI and found a fracture of a verabrea, perhaps from the fall and her osteoporosis. He then did a vertoplasty (sp) which ammounts to the injerction of a liquid which sets in about 3 hours and if all goes well, eliminates the pain and holds the fracture as effectivly as healing. It did work, she was conscious through the procedure and the pain was dramatically reduced when she go back up again. She then stayed on Aleve and has not had a reocurrence of the pain. Bottom line is that the narcotic painkillers had a severe and long lasting effect on her mental functions and she would have lsot her independence had she stayed on them. As it is, she turns 92 next week and shill lives independently in her condo, although she has to use a walker and her other knoee is now quite painful. She has help several hours two day per week. I agree with what Mistress Heather said earlier about the meds and need for a specialist in gerontology or at least a doc who listens and does not simply rely on the narcotics.
I will keep your mother, you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Paul
Many Thanks Paul. It is all lining up just as in your experience with you mother. My mom is better with much more stable and clear mental function but still coming back from general weakness and now more pronounced symptoms of a weak heart. At the moment the back SI pain is being managed with Tylenol and a heating pad. She is still in the hospital but nearing having a home evaluation to see if she can manage at home. That may happen tomorrow or Monday. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story. IF her pain continues I will inquire about the procedure you mentioned.
Thanks Meenakshi! I will check out the elder care pod.
HI Don
Blessings to you. I don't have any specific theraputic advice, but I do help a 90 year old man in my neighbourhood 3 times a week and spend a lot of time just listening and transmitting true presence and quiet love. You sound like your doing a great job during weary unpredicable times. Good on you.
I love the photograph of your daughter and mother and I'm spinning love in the direction of all of you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Don,
I just wanted to share with you that I've had experience with my MIL suffering from a great deal of pain. The pain medications always have serious side effects. My MIL is often either asking for something with less side effects, asking for something stronger or not taking it at all, as her pain dictates. She is not naturally inclined towards the medication and drops it easily. Still, I know first hand how debilitating severe pain can be.
I just wanted you to know, that my MIL lives next door to us on a farm and we are her primary support. We were able to minister to my FIL up until his death and had to work with hospice through that as well. Anytime you wish for a second, non-medical opinion, a sympathetic ear or understanding of the difficulties that caring for elderly parents can mean in one's life, I am here for you. PS - I am an early but not regular member of the Loving Carers pod.
Deborah
PSS - really like your community name - skyojos. I grew up on the border and it's meaning(s) are relevant to me.